Appeal

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EARTHQUAKE in Middlesbrough.

An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Middlesbrough in the early hours, with the epicentre hitting the town centre. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".

The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Skegness and mablethorpe were damaged beyond repair.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. the Middlesbrough Northern Echo reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened on Teeside. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship crates of White Lightning to some of the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

There is an appeal to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Snap back hats

Full matching tracksuits

Nike Huarachi trainers

Tartan pyjamas

UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, Tins of baked beans, ice cream, Cans of Strong Bow or Special Brew and of course pies.

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.

£10 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

£15 buys chips, crisps and Panda Pops for a family of 9.