Jokes

[The Dark Knight]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas Day is on a Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slo-vak

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond. Looks like frog's porn to me.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar...

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, "Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!"


2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were just Hovis Witnesses.